I have what I call the dork nights of the soul. I lay awake at night remembering all the stupid things I’ve done and said. I lay awake at night thinking of all my mistakes I’ve made in the name of the Lord. And I feel distant. I feel far away from God. His presence no longer with me, instead I feel that bitterness and gall. I feel the badness, the horridness of my mistakes. I remember them well and my soul becomes downcast and God distant.
There are times in life where God feels distant. There are times when he feels far away. And we respond in different ways. We beat ourselves up. If only we’re better at being spiritual. If only we had taken more time in prayer. If only we were able to be stronger in the faith then we wouldn’t feel this way. Or we try to go back to the last moment we felt the nearest to God. We try to relive what once was. We try to stay in the past and not focus on the present. Or we walk away entirely. It’s done. It’s over. It’s not worth it.
In these dork nights of the soul I feel that past. I review them moments like watching a bad movie, like watching Ishtar or Howard the Duck. It’s like a train wreck. You want to look away but just can’t remove your eyes. And it sticks with you. A bell you can’t unring.
And in the dork nights of the soul, I draw closer to God. I come to him fervently in prayer. I lay before him my dorkiness. My mistakes. My issues and baggage I just can’t empty. And I remember His promises.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1
I have to remember that even when he feels distant, His promises are sure.
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning.; great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23
And he is distant I remember His promises. And I cling to them. In my dorkiness, in my mistakes, in my feeling distant, I cling to the promises knowing that they are sure.
Do you have the dork nights of the soul? Do you struggle with the past, with them mistakes that seem to never let go? Lay them before God. Come to Him each time they appear. Lay them before Him each time you remember them.
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
Your past does not define you. Your future belongs to God. The only thing you can work with is the present. And in the present if you feel far from God, cling to His promises. When you feel the dorkiness come creeping back, cast your anxieties before Him and be present in the present. Don’t allow the dorkiness and the distance remove away the promises of God.