I fear I won’t be able to go back to the Bad Lands again this year to conquer the Notch Trail. It is something that has bugged me for a while now. It taunts me to come once again and master it, to make it mine. But right now, that has not become the center of my thoughts. There is another trail to master, another mountain to climb.
I don’t know how to begin to tell the truth. I’ve not made it Facebook official yet nor have I blogged about it (though I’ve been wanting to). I wanted to wait until after I told the congregation and my elders about it. Honestly, I’ve become preoccupied with it for the last few weeks. It has made it hard to focus, hard to concentrate, hard to be in the here and now. And to be honest, I’m a bit a scared of it.
“What is it?!?” You might be asking right now.
A few weeks ago, we examined a lump on my neck. After an MRI and ultra sound they showed that there was a 3.5 x 4.6 cm mass on my thyroid which is also pressing against my trachea.
What do you do with news like that? For me, I go first into sarcasm mode. My poor father-in-law got the brunt of it because he was the first to talk with me after I received the results. Sarcasm runs deep in my family, and humor is how we deal with tough things. Without hearty laughter how can you not deal with tough things. I even named the mass Lumpy McLumplump. My wife didn’t like that. She named it Fred. Fred really isn’t a name you give a lump, a mass on the neck. No, you give a fly the name Fred because of the alliteration.
On Wednesday of last week, I had a biopsy of the growth on my thyroid. The doctor was really nice and very informative. But dude shoved a long thin needle into my neck 4 stinkin times and wiggled it around a bit. And I hate needles. Like break out in fear when I see them. And I didn’t even get a lollipop when it was done for being brave. That’s what bugs me.
And so now I must wait. I must wait for the results. I must wait in heated anticipation that the news is good. Either way, I’ll be needing to have surgery. Pushing against the trachea is bad. But the news I’m waiting to hear is that Lumpy McLumplump is benign. Annoying but harmless. The waitin is truly the hardest part.
And so I must trust. I must rest upon the grace of God. I must wait and know that regardless of what comes, I have a God who comforts me in times of trouble and rejoices with me in times of joy. Either I’ll be crying in his arms or we’ll be dancing together in joy. Either way, he’s here with me.
And so, I have a mountain to conquer. Be it my own fear; be it my own body which is rebelling against me like I’m so evil empire ruled by a sith lord; or be it the unknown. If it is cancer, then it is. Not much I can do about it save accept it and go the next step. And if it is benign, then I have a next step or five to do with that as well.
Either way, there’s a mountain in front of me and it is going to be conquered.